in which i have thoughts about The Expendables

this movie is ridiculous fun (heavy stress on the ridiculous). i live-tweeted it (SORRY INTERNET), full transcript below, but here are three additional thoughts for you on why, given all its flaws, i find myself impressed with it:

  1. gender-neutral torture! they had two opportunities to gender/sexualize torture and didn’t take either of them. A++
  2. Sylvester Stallone spends the whole movie getting beat up. seriously, he does not win a single fight. for a movie in which he stars, direct, AND had a hand in the screenplay, that is just refreshing.
  3. no make-outs, despite several opportunities. there are, however, like 60 bro moments (ok i didn’t count, but still). there could have been a much heavier-handed BROS BEFORE HOS message but they didn’t do that either. mostly they just celebrated knives and explosions, which i can get on board with.

Sylvester Stallone: against all odds, he does not offend my feminist sensibilities! and made a movie i willingly watched twice in as many days. feel free to put that on your business card, sir.

TWEETS, order swapped so as to be read in the normal top-to-bottom fashion. also, spoilers.

  • is anyone going to mind if i live-tweet THE EXPENDABLES? no? exxxxxxxcellent.
  • irst of all, how have i not already seen this? Charisma Carpenter, Jet Li, and Mickey Rourke in the same movie?! #stfu
  • “it’s good to hang pirates!” omg.
  • so they are basically the X-Men, only their mutations are muscles and weird accents. and Statham is the unlikeliest Cyclops ever.
  • Charlotte’s Web reference. MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED.
  • i have been trying to come up with a tweet for that church sequence and the best i can do is: O.o
  • 45 minutes in, and the dialog-to-explosion ratio is improving.
  • Statham’s secondary mutation is clearly the single entendre. (i am still working out Stallone’s.)
  • the Jet Li-wants-a-raise subplot might be my favorite part of this movie.
  • oddly enough, my suspension of disbelief has been most tested by the assertion that Jet Li could not massacre Dolph Lundgren. #spoiler
  • the dude who names bombs needs a buddy-mercenary show with Adam Baldwin. TV GOLD YOU GUYS.
  • i cannot BELIEVE it took them an hour and sixteen minutes to make a “your mom” joke.
  • i forgive them anything and everything for the Li/Statham double-team. holy mother of god REWIND.
  • also i stand corrected, Statham’s secondary mutation is clearly the limerick.

BONUS TWEET: #marryshagkill Expendables Edition: Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin. GO.

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in which i have thoughts about The Expendables

2 thoughts on “in which i have thoughts about The Expendables

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